I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is it because I queefed?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
