so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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