i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
