shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So squirting runs in the family.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i now understand why vodka
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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