i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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