Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
a search helicopter?!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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