so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
