He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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