grandma shit on top of the toilet
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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