You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
