I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I intend to get homeless drunk
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
