dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
