I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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