i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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