Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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