Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
