i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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