I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
