I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
