so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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