he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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