I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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