Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
