I will die if light touches me.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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