do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
