I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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