Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
