I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
