My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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