I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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