In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
