when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
