Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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