I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
