her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
