Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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