he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
