I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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