Moan for me like Helen Keller
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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