Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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