we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
