There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
