It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
