Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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