Kiss
Puke
id be glad to
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize