I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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