her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
