Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
