I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
