i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
