he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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