Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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