Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
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He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
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I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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