I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
