if i can run in heels then i can drive
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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