dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
